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My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out today
Well I just saw Hailey's comet, she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"
[Chorus]
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today
Well I just saw Hailey's comet, she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"
[Chorus]
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Here is my chance
This is my chance
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance [x2]
This is actually for my parents.
Because I have done the best that I can.
This is my life. I'm done letting them interfere.
I know exactly what I'm going to do.
Even with the baby, I'm still going to succeed.
I'll show them.
Just like I'll prove to myself that I can do what I know I'm capable of.
I love both of my parents.
But it's time to live my life.
Current Mood:  thoughtful
Current Music: Second Chance - Shinedown
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So again, I've just noticed that it's been quite a while since I've last updated. And so much is different since then too. The last time I updated, I was struggling to keep my long distanced relationship with Matt going. While I was lying to my dad, telling him that I was dating a guy named Charlie who was 17 and lived in a whole different city and worked to much to come and see me. When the whole entire time, I was with Matt, who's now almost 23, and I'm now living with.
It's been hard since then, too. I've lost a major amount of respect from my family. Because of my fear of losing Matt, I packed my stuff, left at 11 o'clock at night while at the same time, Matt, his sister, and their friend Russell were on their way to come and get me. I left a note telling my dad that I wasn't going to let him ruin what I had with Matt, I apologized, and I didn't look back.
My mom and I started arguing again. She couldn't accept the fact that she was a very good mother. For the whole time that I was living with her, there was beer in the refrigerator more often than there was milk. There were days that I'd have been content with just a bowl of cereal, and I didn't have the milk for it. And other days, there just wasn't enough food in the house to keep me from being hungry. And as soon as she met her boyfriend (Scott), she just stopped being around as much.
She'd shove me off on my biological father every chance she got, just so that she could be with her boyfriend for the weekend. And during the weeknights, I hardly saw her either. And she claims that I was just a bad kid. How can that be when I'd never really drank, never seriously tried drugs, and I was always the one who questioned whether what my friends and I were doing was right or not. And I'm the bad child.
But setting that aside, I'm now living with Matt, bouncing back and forth between his parents' house and his friend Jeremy's house for something better to do while we anxiously wait to finally make it to Florida. And I'm pregnant, something I thought wouldn't come until after I was married, and yet a while after that. It was hard to first tell my parents. Of course they didn't take it well. My dad just didn't know what to say, and my mom wanted me to consider abortion. Which I wouldn't do, because that's seriously fucked up. But things have calmed down by now, and Matt and I are getting married in July, on our anniversary. And honestly? I can't wait.
I don't think that I could have found a better man to be with.
And I don't think that I've ever been happier in any point in my life,
as I am right now.
I just can't wait to see what else life has in store for me.
To find out whether my baby is going to be a little boy or a little girl.
And honestly, I've had a lot of people tell me that I just might have twins.
But we'll see what happens.
I know that I can't wait.
Current Mood:  Accepting
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She's sitting on the back porch,
letting memories pass.
Wondering what she would do,
if she actually let you go.
As she allows her tears to fall,
she thinks of what to say.
Having trouble speaking her mind;
there's really only one way:
"I'm sorry," she whispers,
wishing you were here in person.
"I'm sorry that I try so hard,
and that I care so much
"I'm sorry that I fell in love,
that I don't always feel good enough.
I'm sorry that I miss you,
and that this has to be so hard."
She takes a deep breath, swallows hard.
As she closes her eyes, she sees you,
and another tear escapes through her lashes.
She knows how close she is to losing you.
Her hands are shaking,
and the rest of her body trembles
as she remembers the times you'd been together.
Knowing that nothing else could have been better.
She continues, "I've tried to let you go;
we both know it's never worked.
I don't want an end between us,
for without you, I'm incomplete.
"I love the way you hold me;
it's my safest escape.
I love the way you kiss me;
it always leaves me wanting more.
"I love the way you can make me laugh,
when I only want to die.
I love the way that I feel like I can't live without you,
even when the pain is so hard to bear.
"I love all the things you've done for me,
and all the things that you still do.
I know that sometimes it seems like I don't do a lot,
but I'm doing what I can.
"I love you for all that you are,
and through everything that's been.
There's not a soul in this world
that could ever stop me from loving you.
"I'm sorry for pushing too hard,
for nagging a tad too much.
I'm sorry if you feel chained down,
it was never in my intentions."
Choking down another sob,
another deep breath taken.
Still unable to manage anything but a whisper,
while guilt weighs down on her heart.
"Baby, please forgive me;
I'm doing all I can.
It's just so hard when you're so far away.
Please understand how hard it is
"when I've nothing to busy my mind.
Only books and games to keep me sane.
But the pain in my heart
can't always be ignored.
"Please be patient while I try even harder.
I don't have much longer until you go away.
I'm trying to get my time in,
not keep you from your fun.
"Honey, please forgive me.
I'm trying to be strong.
I'm trying to keep it together,
without your loving arms.
"Baby, please forgive me.
Honey, please don't leave me.
I promise to get better at this,
if only you stay with me..."Current Mood:  guilty
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Watching as the rain pours
Watching as the lightening flashes
As the tears pour down my face
I watch as my world suddenly crashes
Everything I thought was true
is and was a lie
and now the pain that dwells
is making me want to die
Not knowing how to deal with this
it's never hurt so much
You made so many promises
and now I'm left feeling numb
I'm trying to be strong
I'm trying not to break down
I'm trying not to cry
I'm trying not to drown
You didn't want to give it up
just wanted to drink and smoke pot
That you chose it over me?
Yeah, that hurt a lot
I'm trying to told my head up high
I'm trying not to fall
I'm trying not to think of you
I'm trying not to remember the pain at all
But it's so hard, when for the longest time,
you were all I knew
and all the promises you broke
that'll all come back to you
Don't you think of coming back
You just stay away
let me find myself again
let me forget until another day
I'm sure you loved me
Yes, I'm sure you did
but apparently, not enough
after making the choice you did
I love you, honey
You remember that for all time
but I'll never forget the choice you made
No, I won't forget that for the longest time
Now, I'm trying to ignore the pain
I'm trying to fight back the tears
I'm trying not to think of you
and trying not to think of the last year...
You know, this is really crappy. Because sitting here, not crying, not dwelling on what I've lost. I mean, yeah, he's always in my thoughts, because I love him so much. But I've been thinking about these past few years, and the summers have SUCKED. The summer I left, well there's the obvious, I left. I also broke up with someone I cared about. That hurt too. Dealing with losing the guy I cared about so much at the time, it wasn't really worth it. The whole time Adan and I were dating, he did drugs, he smoked, and he drank. He also lied to me about it the whole time. Lovely, huh?
Last summer, I made a lot of bad mistakes, and shit happened to me in return. Some of the things I didn't really deserve. That too, turned out to be just lovely. I wound up crying last summer too.
And this summer, I lost someone who I thought would really be around for a long, long time. But he decided, that he would rather smoke pot and drink and do stupid shit until he was 30. He lied to me, had me thinking that he had quit smoking pot, and then yesterday told me that he's been smoking pot for the past month. When I talked to him the other day, he was all, "I quit smoking pot for you, I quit smoking for you, I quit drinking for you." And the smoking pot deal was a load of fucking bullshit. He told me he loved me, but he wants to party. And I can't change his mind for him. But you know, he'll probably try to come back after he realizes the mistake he's made, and I might not be so willing to take him back. He broke my heart, made me so many promises, and broke every single one of them. I love him to death, but I don't think that I can forgive him for that. He hurt me way too much.
I just don't know what to do right now. I don't know how to deal with things. Right now, I want to jump in front o f a moving vehicle, but what good would that do?Current Mood: wants to die
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You know, in this past year, I've been trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I'm about. Before I took the time to open myself up, I was completely clueless, self confidant, I didn't like myself at all, I thought that I was a total bitch. But then I took the time to remember who I was before I left Florida. Then was the time that I knew no one could trust me; and honestly? Thinking back on it now, I'm completely ashamed of who I was. Upon looking back on this year, I've come to find that I'm proud of myself.
>> When I was a freshman, I was stupid. I nearly ruined my chances at graduating right then and there. I just didn't care. I had my boyfriend (for nearly 9 months), I had my friends, and I had things pretty good; I took advantage of it all, and one by one: I lost my boyfriend, I lost most of my friends, and my mom sent me to live with my dad to straighten myself out. That was the best thing that my mom could have ever done for me , although I was so angry with her at the time.
>> What was to be my sophomore year, I was a few credits short. I still hadn't pulled myself out of the hole I'd dug for myself. I still got angry easily, talked bad about my friends. I pushed too hard trying to get what I thought I wanted, but only because they were there (if they ever chose to read this, you probably know who you are). Again, I made friends, and one that I thought that I could trust. That person lied to me and everyone who trusted her in turn. That made me realize, that once again, I was making more mistakes. Summer was just the same. Getting mixed up with the wrong person, and digging myself into an even deeper hole. I nearly thought that I couldn't dig myself out of it. I lost the trust of my parents, and something that I never thought could happen to me, happened. I haven't been the same since it happened. I stopped to ask myself, "Why do I keep continuously making these stupid mistakes?"
>> This past year, which was supposed to be my junior year, I looked back on the past two years, and realized the kind of person I wanted to be. I pulled myself out of the hole I was in. I gained back my parents' trust, and made them proud of me as well. I stopped talking crap on my friends. I chose the right friends, and still keep in touch with them. I kept secrets that they didn't want told. I've calmed down a lot, brushing off any rude comments said about me to avoid conflict, and stayed away from the drama. I discovered a new talent that I never thought that I had. I pulled up my grades up to A's and B's, and cried when I saw the only F on my report card. But it was a complete accomplishment compared to have all F's and D's (with only one B when I was a freshman). Now I'm taking summer school, trying to right what I did. I'm only half a credit short, if I continue what I'm doing, and next year, I'll graduate.
I will graduate next year. No matter what it takes. I won't fall back to being the person that I used to be. I know that I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be. I love the person that I've turned into. Why would I give that up? Current Mood: calm
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You know what I hate? I hate how people go off and tell the word about "how high they got the other night" or "how drunk they got the other night." In my opinion, it's really not something to be proud of. Especially if it happens to be a regular thing. And it bugs me how people, especially my friends, decide to let the world know about it. They always assume that they won't get in trouble, or something won't happen. Well, you know what, I'm proof that you can get caught doing that stuff, and you can get in trouble for it. I won't sit there and say that I've never tried stuff, because that would be a lie. But after my experiences with it, I will say that I never want to go back to any of it. Each of my experiences have taught me that it's really not a fun position to be in, especially when you're with someone that you can't trust. Hell, even people that you CAN trust aren't always trustworthy in those kind of states. But I don't know. Random anger about it had to be leaked out. *shrugs*
You know, I find that a lot more people are beginning to like me now, than they ever did. It surprises me more and more everyday.
I was talking to my friend about it the other day, when we were talking on the phone;
and I asked him: "What is it that you find so special about me, anyway?"
His response, "You're the sweetest person that I've ever met."
and that right there almost made me break down and cry.
I've found myself doubting myself a lot more lately, and I'm not completely sure why. I don't find that I look good enough, that I'm not nice enough, that I'm not good enough for those that I care for deeply, that surround me. I just don't feel like I'm not good enough for anyone anymore. And I just don't know why. I told my friend about that too, because he had asked why I always deny his compliments or just plain shove them off like he never said them, and he told me that I need to really listen to what those around me are telling me and accept that I am everything [the positives] that they happen to say I am. And again, I almost cried.
This guy has been one of the greatest friends to me. I really don't know what I would do without him.
I love him.
Current Mood: thoughtful
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Alright, so it's been a few days since I've updated.I'm doing better, lol. Today has been a pretty decent day. Better than yesterday, seeing as it was just a very long day. Although lately, it seems as thought I've been getting increasingly tired and I'm not sure why. But now that I know for sure that I'm graduating next year, things are getting much MUCH better for me. I find that I actually look forward to waking up in the mornings knowing that every day, I'm one day closer to graduating. :)
So, yeah. Well, I think this one guy that I liked last year has suddenly picked up an interest for me. I won't place any names, but unfortunately for him, I'm not all that interested. I mean, he had his chance last year, and he turned it down. And I feel that, if I wasn't good enough for him last year, why should that be any different this year?
Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Or is it in all reality, fair?
But I don't know. Rawr.
That's all. Current Mood:  irritated
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Alright, so we all remember how badly I was failing my first Freshman year, yes? Well, after a lot of hard work and a lot of patience I'm finally getting things straightened out again. I talked to my counselor today to see what it would take for me to be able to graduate next year, and so far I only have to take summer school this year, and I'm pretty much set. Problem is, she's missing a lot of my transcripts, and that's not good. BUT she's getting things back onto the computer and hopefully we'll know exactly how close I am to be able to graduate next year. If worse comes to worse, I'll need to pay to take an extra course, which it's $140 for the course itself, and then I have to pay for the book too. And when I'm ready, I'll talk to the counselor for my tests, and take them. OR if we don't have the money to pay for the extra course, I'll be staying for half of a 5th year, and I probably won't even need to stay a whole day if it comes down to that.
Point is, I'm so close to graduating, I can practically taste it. And I have to say, the thought thrills me.
Although, as she was talking to me today, she told me that she was proud of me. That she thought that at the rate I was going last year, she thought that I would wind up being another dropout. She said that she was surprised at how quickly I turned things around this year, and that somehow, although she doesn't know what did it, but I grew up this year and got my act together.
I realized that she was right. I will admit: Once she told me that my chances of graduating next year are VERY good, I almost fell to my knees and cried. That's how happy I was about it.
THAT HAD REALLY MADE MY DAY.
:)Current Mood: Thrilled
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You know, I've never realized how much it'd break my heart to find out that the people that I once cared so much for, the bond that they once shared and kept so dear to them are falling apart. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I treated people a little better then. Would I still be there with all of the people who meant so much to me around me, or would I still have wound up here?
I feel so bad about the way that I treated everyone, and I don't think that anyone truly understands how bad I feel. But I'm not that person anymore. Who I was then and who I am now are two completely different people, and it makes me sad when people get them confused. For the past two years almost, I've been trying to better myself. I've had people tell me that they've noticed the difference, that I'm a lot kinder. But I still feel that there's room for improvement. And I'm still trying, and I still will.
But to those of you who remember the way I was, please know that I truly am sorry.
There are not amount of apologies to make up for what I did, but I am sorry.Current Mood: thoughtful
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